Tainted Sky

I watched the blue sky vibrate intense waves of disgrace today. I was standing on the rooftop of the County parking garage after work, gallavanting around its roof access, bright-eyed and sun beamed thinking this would be a perfect place to light my cigarette and observe the beautiful scenary unfolding. I lit a match to the sky, winked in delight, inhaled my first drag while taking in the Bay Area view from Redwood City. Beneath me streams of cars poured out of the garage as I watched the sheriffs leave their station, jurors departed from their lots, planes began to take off and traffic began to pile up on highway 101. From a panaramic view the Crystal Springs mountains stretched across its landscape and I traced the hill-top layered trees with my eyes. It was completely breathtaking because above me the sky looked so blue and the white clouds draped across breathing as if alive. I inhaled my smoke deep and opened my Green water bottle I received from my supervisor for all my assistance in the county green team program. My conscious kicked in a bit as I began having enviornmental aspirations to protect the earth's well-being. My cigarette burned, automatically I flicked the hot ash to the ground, and tossed my butt to the ground. Almost instantly I noticed a sign fixed to a lamp post depicting a cigarette butt with a caption labelled "this is litter too". I consider myself environmentally conscious but my bad habits have caused me to fondle hypocrisy as I'm constantly justifying my actions as minor compared to the amount of carbon released from cars, homes, and buildings not acknowledging that indeed it all adds up. Watching the cars pass, people dropping their butts on the ground, fumes pouring from buildings, and with my own last exhale of smoke I felt a knot in chest begin to harden the smile the view gave me. The reality is we're destroying our bodies, our lungs, our minds, and most importantly our environment with our many pollutions. It's hard to walk away from work with a smile on my face knowing that the blue sky in all its magnificance glares down in disgrace and "cough" pain. There's so much to change in ourselves, in our habits, in our actions and I hope that when we finally do it wont be too late.

Unwind

I Grew to find pockets nestled in this chest plate of mine
Soft like plush feathered pillows
Tugging heartstrings to queer padded pinnacles
Saw god and goddess,
Saw adam and eve
Saw man and woman on the top of some mountain peak
Both figures erotically consumed inside of me
Surrounded by light, sparked , and felt my body ignite
Wrapped my hand around the wheel, swerved round the sea
Until my knees buckled when you dove in front me
Like some beautiful mermaid described by ship wrecked refugees
Dreaming despite the breathing vibrations of Poseidon
Contemplating, where it began
When will this end,
Does my pirate ship sink, eventually we’ll think about this realistically
As we play battle games, with war paint, and sun screen
Giggling to catch phase, punch lines, and screen plays
Riding shot-y to your right side, my side, besides you’re my partner in crime
Dancing to bay slaps, hot raps, reggae beats, those rasta jams
Soul filled lyrics lifting our bodies to bass, snares, and cymbal taps
That attract like magnetic poles opposite in sides but similar in mind
Talking til jaws clicked and eyelids slip from moonlit skies
I see you as a friend, a lover at times, that’s why
My eyes blur in recognition now as clockwork unfolds
And my story is told,
Questioning if I should bite my lips
Or just let my tongue slip a bit
Slither past the cracks that interrupt our flow
The pedestrians that cross so slow
Streets that we grow to know
Grown to feel bombs erupt like Pele in volcanic afterglow
After you’ve captured my pleasure in rapture
I admit these thoughts pass on by as if
I never knew your softer side
Never touched rose petals plucked by river beds
Cause men always get our heads wrapped up instead
Wrapped up in bed where masculine territory can be comfortably tread
Naturally bred to progress this, blood flow, while love goes through
Salt lines, pre-determined by sociopolitical outlines that limit how I identify
What I objectify and what we project upon life screens
Is normative so we leave the rest unseen,
Tossing this hat of mine to ground
Hearing its sound
Echoing, beckoning killing my high yo
Trying to dismiss this feeling I’ve grown to like though
Aware of my place
Aware of our space
Aware of that uncertainty upon your face
I’m treading on ice
Slipping further and further away from this mic
I feel it deeply
Never thought I could,
Never thought it would
Never meant to unleash
All these curiosities
All these fantasies
Reconstructing now every damn reverie
Every picture painted, etched in tree bark memory
Cause Your eyes send shock waves down my spine
Each flutter, passing skylines, winged like dark butterflies
Approaching gold mines in crystal sunlight
I’m mesmerized by those almond dipped iris’ miss
Warmed like ignited firepits, Soothing frost bites
Burning brightly under rooftops
I can’t stand to your blinks
Can’t seem to breathe slow
When you flash batted eyelashes
To heart beats syncopating with tidal waves crashes
I want to sail through seas,
I want to swim underneath
Cross the marked streams
By these tracked maps I’ve come to need or
Dream over hazy clouds from match lit smoke rings
Pouring out of honey licked lips
With sweet drips and word clicks like clock work
You touch sun spots in my chest cavities
And I burst into star dust
Burst like fire pistol gripped trigger clicks
Burst like prison breaks
Balloon pops from fingertips
Heart valves pulsing too fast my chest quakes
And I cave to catch my breath
So you don’t feel my limbs shake
Don’t see my hands graze
My fist clenched to prevent
Assist in this struggle to contain
A pass to your hips
A stroke to your wrist
A touch to your lap
A caress on your back
So I stand alert stiffed “don’t let it in”
Can’t let my head spin
I’m treading on ice where the shards can
Splice spinal cord catching wind pipes by
Our History, history
Chemistry, Chemistry,
Ecstasy, Ecstasy
You got me weak in my knees and it scares me
Visually Impairs me
Brings me close to borderlines
Where love and lust,
Gender and crush
Blur into one big cluster fuck that I’m trying to unravel
In the midst of life’s travels
And I don’t quite know how to define it let alone
Confine it, so I let my insides unwind
Only to find pockets nestled in my chest plate
With traces of your fingers sketched by scabs along my ribcage

UC decision

I have 48 hours of time ticking in between a decision that will affect the pace, pockets, and placement during the so forth beginnings of my adulthood life. When you have golden opportunities handed to you with worries discarded so access is made easy, don't take advantage of this, run whole-hearted with your golden ticket strapped to your waistband. I must not have maintained enough self-discipline or my head must have been so far down the gutter that I didn't see the broad road painted above me. I now believe that admitting my faults becomes the first step towards clarity by means of recognition. One cannot clean an object without first submitting time and identifying its particles. The motive behind one's need to fix or clean something stems from a belief in order, respect, and presentation. When someone who desires to keep things "clean" but spends the majority of their time messing up their surroundings will see chaos begin unwinding. This happened to me, this may continue to happen if I don't change my habits. In order to change, fix, or clean I need to recognize the root of the problem as Valery put it to me. In the back of mind I knew I was wrong, caught up in impulse, agreeing to temporary satisfaction, and breeding a careless mentality. I began to drift farther down until finally I reached the ground, fell hard, and watched my senses return from up high. My head brought out of the clouds, the birds seemed to cease their singing, and I let my better side beat responsibility in me repeatedly. For weeks now, I'm still serious, more serious then ever I think it's been time for me to focus on my life, devoting myself consistantly, building character, and finding pleasure in things other than my daily wanderings. In 48 hours, the Advising Committee will decide whether or not I can stay at UC Santa Cruz. I ask the Good Lord to have mercy on me, grant me passage, compassion, and grace. I know I took advantage of such a blessed position in which school for me is made easy financially. I sincerely want to change things and I plan to challenge myself a lot more than I ever have. Committee, yo, please accept my appeal letter...

Intro

Blogs, diaries, journals, napkins... objects used to outline and piece together fragments of thought bottled in the closets of our minds. My mind is consistantly spinning, I don't know what direction but I feel everything jangling and tangling in cobwebs. Documenting past events, anticipating future dates, questioning social interactions, recording current attractions... its life breathing down my spine forcing me to write or type whether I like it or not because my brain just won't take any more silence. Nowadays I'm just always so quiet. I feel a thousand miles away from myself sometimes. I want clarity, peace of mind, it's self-therapy but call it whatever you like; I just got to let my tongue slip once in awhile. Just need to make sense of all this mess in my head, this tug in my chest, these butterfly sensations, these skeptical conversations... dope, time to pass out.

Lost in the City

I got lost in the city today

Nightfall cascades with bridge tolls

Traffic covers roads like

Parade floats and street shows

Only the 5 o'clock traffic jam

Doesn't come with live bands

Nor masquerades,

Or people pacing in place

To celebrate some common trait

It's quite basic, it's daily

It's structure, it's pavement 

It's movement from boxes to boxes

By placement cases for currency

Some call it necessary

Others say its slavery

Some live in luxury 

Others stay in poverty

But they cross paths

Every Monday thru Friday on 280

See, Lady stare at her watch

Man yell at his truck

Lady talk on her phone,

Business calls before home,

Man got laid off

Now his budget plan just collapsed

The road blurs-

So did the map on my lap

I got lost in the city today

I see sun lick skylines with war paint

And the moon rise up

Mountain tops with drum beats

Its rhythm keeping tempo 

Of car beeps and phone rings

Of lightstops and tire squeaks 

Of clockouts and rap scenes

While my feet tap in sync

With wind chimes and heart strings.

I got lost in the city today

Crossed streets and districts

Parks and picnics

Skyscrapers and schools

Hospitals and pools

Heard laughter and slander

hop scotch

Heard gunshots, clocks

Tick tock 

Just passing by on the right,

"Don't mind me 

fast paced society"

I can't quite see what's in front of me

Industry has me on my knees

Which way to go

What route to take

What box shall I accept to take

It's all the same in different ways

A survival game with unequal play.